Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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