Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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