Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
