k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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