she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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