dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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