im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
two words: eviction party
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
