You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
