and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
