when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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