apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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