I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
