Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
