I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
