I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
