somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
home. puking in laundry basket.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
