My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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