I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
