those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
