You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
