i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
