Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
