so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
