Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
