How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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