if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
