Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
