I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
