At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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