i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
