The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
