his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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