bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Every concussion has its silver lining
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
