I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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