I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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