i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
