I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
home. puking in laundry basket.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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