Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
