So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The adults are the big ones right?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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