I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think my moral compass just broke
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
