Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
