There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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