There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
