You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
