last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
