I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize