There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
