I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
