Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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