..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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