six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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