barbara walters just said penis...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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