I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
