Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
