So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
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