I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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