just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
